Musings....once again

I am standing at the metro station....the after-office crowds are jostling me as they hurry on to waiting wives and eager kids waiting for their chocolates. A particuarly hefty man pushes me dangerously close to the tracks. All the 'sorries' and 'its okays' said and done, he carries on...while i resume my earlier position next to the pillar. There is a one-legged beggar sitting at the next pillar. 10 pairs of well-shod feet pass by. 3 coins land in the rusty pan infront of him. 3 Rs to feed a stomach that has been starving for 3 days....I walk towards him and put a 10 Rs note into the pan. The note rustles uneasily in the loud company that it has encountered. The beggar looks at me with disbelieving eyes which cloud the rumbling of a hungry stomach. I smile and walk on. On other days I wouldn't have given him a second look. But today is not just another day. Today....I am lonely. Lonely in the company of a thousand strangers. Lonely in a blur of faces which seem as though they are cast out of the same mould of apathy. And loneliness recognizes loneliness.....we both are lost.....clamouring for attention in a busy world.....which has no time for individuals like us.

Lonely......the very word has a melancholic feel to it.....!!!! You cannot say the word with a smile on your face.....and yet am smiling....as I softly repeat the word over and over again to myself....!!! A small tear teases the corner of my eye and then runs away as my eyelids try to hold it back..... It slides down my cheek and upper lip and lands with a gentle 'splat' on my tongue....!!!
maybe this is what they call swallowing one's sadness.....

I tell myself I am not alone......there is a whole world out there waiting for me...caring for me......and i hear a tiny voice callin out to me....'who u kiddin buddy?' There is a soft nudge at my waist. A small boy is selling magazines.....He thrusts a magazine into my hand.....a scantily clad woman stares at me with sultry eyes....!!!! The boy catches my eye and gives that knowing look......!!! Two dimensional fantasies are a good anodyne for four-dimensional problems....!!! I return the magazine to him with a stern shake of my head. He gives me the same confused look that the beggar that given me earlier......and then another knowing look....!! I choose not to dispel the doubts that he has over my orientation....and walk away disgusted

We are together again...me and my solitude....!! We make quite a happy couple......content in each other's company, revelling in each other's undivided attention, walking hand-in-hand to a common destnation....a common destiny....
Two hands go up in the air at a nearby distance.....two grinning faces approach us. Acquaintances.....fellow travellers who u meet on the way in this journey called life....spend some time together and then they either walk move ahead or lag behind, only to catch up with you at unsuspecting turns on the road. They suggest coffee at the Espresso-express coffee bar on 19th lane....I hesistate...!!! The station is a cocoon....a shroud that I have willingly pulled over myself....I am a child cowering inside the safety of this big blanket......
My hesitation doesn't go down well with them and they half-drag me out of the station and into the auto waiting outside.
After a good 15 minutes of red signals and honking drivers and smoke spewing trucks....there we are in the cushioned comfort of mellow coffee smell and lounge music. We have grown apart...me and my loneliness..it seems to have taken a dislike for my new company.

Orders are placed...orders are taken....irish coffees and mochachinos are in the making....
They seem to have started on a private conversation of their own.....between whisperings and mock slaps and rolled eyes....they have to have escaped to a world of their own. I am a silent spectator - like a person on the doorstep peering into the house, watching the drama unfolding in the living room of an unknown house.
Now they seem to be getting into an argument.....it is followed by a fight....a mock duel where the only objective of the fighters is proximity to each other ! The waiter returns with the coffees and interuppts the fight with a polite clearing of the throat....in a very 'butler'ly manner.
Intimacy mingles with bitter coffee smell......oblivious to the bitterness of the eyes that are peering down into the cup more out of uneasiness than out of interest in watching the swirling cream in the coffee liquer. Shuffling feet stop each other from rising...until they come to a consensus....!!! I excuse myself....a urgent work has cropped up....I need to leave.....
They throw a carelessly said 'hope u had a great time' at my back as i walk out......I cant stop a smile....

My solitude follows me......and this time we walk on in undisturbed peace......

reflections...

they laugh and dance in drunken stupor.....the smoke clouds their blissful smiles...but they dont seem to notice..while the sober minds sit back and analyse....!!!!
who is stupid ? them or us ?
who is happy ? them or us ?

all their happiness is contained in their glasses....glinting clinking glasses shining in the crooked rays of the nightlamp. ours is contained somewhere deep inside....the light not seeping through....

drops of fizzy nothing mean everthing to them....they..the blissful souls..the creatures of the night....

sometimes i wonder.....what happiness is.....

comfortably numb...

The digits on the cellphone screen show 11.55 pm. The rain is strumming on the windowsill...i hum along in a steady rythm !!! The mannequins accompany me in a silent symphony. Those eyeless, mouthless figures who are bound to their destiny by layers of fabric and flimsy thread.

There are footsteps outside. I look up from my table. No one. I am still the sole person in the room. Peace. I get back to my drawing board. The breeze blowing in through the open window is fast lulling the paint into a deep crusty sleep. I wake it up with two little drops of water..and there it is awake again..flowing with energy !!! I feel happy for no apparent reason. The paintbrush dances away in a state of inebriated bliss on the paper....its bold trail adding to my joy...snails, raindrops, swaying green fields, swirls of colour drown me....im drowning...gulping greedily...

A careless drop of paint spills on the paper...an involuntary scream echoes in the vast expanse of the room. The mannequins mock in dumb amusement...
I feel guilty...sad...and I walk to the window to watch the rain...

There are mails waiting to be read....forgotten blogs lying in dormant disconnected wait....there is a whole world out there with a 'me' shaped hole in it....but the curtain of colour has designs on me. It surrounds me, smothers me...refuses to let go and I surrender with sheer passion.

I get back to my drawing board. The digits on the cell phone have morphed into 12 shaped squiggles.

I can hear a computer keyboard tapping away furiously....in some far far away land in some remote past !!!! It seems angry, frustrated, helpless....
There is a rythmic sound fast catching up and drowing out the keyboard's cries.....
I turn around and scan the room for the source of the sound....I can't hear the keyboard anymore....the newer sound is louder now....a musical rythm floats around....and then I see it....the sewing machine...

I laugh till tears stain the paper.....but somehow I don't mind it.....!!
I think they call it midnight madness...